I won't say goodbye
by violetgrace
Summary: Will Emily finally talk to Paige after that night? When will the McCullers finally stop worrying about their daughter, and let her be with the girl she loves, or will their concern ruin her relationship with Emily for good? / paily
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter song:** Trading Yesterday - Love Song Requiem

**A/N:** Hope you like the first chapter, I love feedback ;)

—

''Mom, I'm fine, I swear.'' Paige said for the fourth time today. Over the past couple of days she must have told people she was fine a thousend of times, mostly to her mother. Even her father kept asking if she needed something or if she was fine. She couldn't blame them ofcourse, so much had happend, but all she really wanted now, was to be left alone. But whenever she was alone, all the memories of that night would play over and over in her head. As if her brain woulnd't stop shut up.

''Your father and I are going to Aunt Margret, you're coming with us.'' Her mom stated rather than asking. Paige knew her mom wanted her to come with her. It's a three hours drive towards Aunt Margret house, and she was pretty sure that her mom was scared that something would happen to her again.

''I'd rather stay home if that's okay.'' She said. She noticed how her mom's expression turned into concern for two seconds or so. ''I'll be fine mom, and I promise I'll call you every two hours.'' she added, she knew that that would reassure her mother.

''Okay then. We'll be back at nine.'' her mom sighed and gave her a kiss on her forhead. ''I love you.''

When her mother left, Paige sat down on her bed and looked at her phone. She wanted to call Emily, just so she could hear her voice, but she had no idea what to say. Emily went to the hospital with Hanna and the others, that night. Paige thought that maybe Emily would visit her the next day, they would talk about it, and they would go through this together. But that was a week ago, and she hadn't heard from Emily ever since. Did Emily want to be left alone for a while? But didn't she had gave her space long enough?

She wondered if everything would go back to normal again someday, but right now she was sure that that was impossible, not if Emily didn't want to talk about it, about that night, where everything went completly wrong. She had never been so scared in her life, not even when Alison was still alive, not even when she came out to her parents. Moment before Lyndon took her out the closet she was sure he was going to kill her, she was scared for her own life, but the moment that Emily ran away and he went after her, all she really though about was Emily. When she finally unbind herself and ran towards, she thought, Emily went to, she heard a gun shot, and for a moment the whole world stopped spinning.

She shook all the memories out of her head again and reminded herself that they were still alive. But what did that even mean, being alive? She was alive, but didn't feel like it at all. Emily was still alive, but there was still this A person, who could do anything. That night wasn't the first time she had received a text message from A, she had received more before, in the time she was still with Emily. First she thought it was some sort of joke, but nobody could know those things in the messages other than herself, and she scared. When it was over between her and Emily the messages had stopped, and even though she still wondered about it now and then, she wasn't scared anymore. When Mona turned out to be A she was relieved. Relieved that she wasn't the only one who got those messages, She also figured that maybe Mona wanted to scare her away from Emily somehow, given the fact that the messages stopped when she and Emily stopped seeing each other. And even though she still didn't know how Mona could know all those things, she was glad Mona was put away, and that she finally had some answers.

But were all her questions really answered? It seemed that there were now even more questions than before.

Once again she stared at her phone and searched for Emily's number. She had given her enough space by now, she had to see and talk to her. She had freaked out because of that night, but her love for Emily had changed. Even though they had never said it to each other, she loved Emily.

She sighed, and tossed her phone away. She knew she shouldn't call. She knew what she had to do; she would just go and visit Emily.

She wondered how Emily would react if she saw her. She would either be happy or shocked. Maybe it was better to just wait 'till Emily was ready and would call her, but then she reminded herself that that would probably take yet another week. She knew that maybe it was selfish but she had to talk to her. After a ten minutes ride she stood at Emily's porch. The porch she and Emily had been sitting on, what had seemed weeks ago by now. She had let herself open up, something she had never really done before, and she had told her about Alison, and mostly about herself. And Emily had listened, had not freak out, and had hugged her and told everything was okay. Now she wasn't really sure if everything was okay, or would be.

Paige rang the doorbell and waited. It took Emily a couple of minutes to open the door.

''Paige..'' Emily said. Shocked it was.

''Em.'' Paige said. Emily looked tired, as if she hadn't sleep in days, which was probably the case. She hadn't either, she still had bags under her eyes herself. ,She really wanted to hug the girl, but she knew that was probably not a good idea, she still didn't know how Emily felt about all this yet.

''Come in.'' Emily said finally.

''You're home alone.'' Paige noted while they walked towards Emily's room. Since that night her mom had been at home every day. She had told her mom that she was fine and that she could go to work again, but she refused to go. Now and them she would come to her room and ask if she needed anything, or if she was okay, and everytime she had said the same thing, that she was fine, and that she didn't need anything. She knew that her mom desperately wanted to talk about it, but she wasn't ready yet.

''I wanted to call, but you know..'' She started. Emily sat down on her bed, her face towards the window, not facing Paige's. She sighed. ''But, I don't know. Honestly I though that maybe you would call, but you didn't. And we really should talk about it, you know.''

''I.. wanted to call you. But.. I-I really did..'' She said finally facing Paige. Tears were filling her eyes. Paige sat down next to her and put her arms around her. ''It's okay, I understand.'' She did. She knew that it was hard on Emily as well, maybe even harder than on her.

''Don't.'' Emily said and stood up. Her expression changed to anger and confusion. ''It's was all my fault, I should've called you, but all I did was waiting for you to call me, and that's unfair. It's selfish.'' Tears were streaming down her face now.

''No, it's not. Look, I'm here now okay. And I'm here because I don't wanna lose you. We can go through this together. '' Paige said.

''I don't want to lose you either.'' Emily said. ''But.. it's never going to be the same anymore.''

''I know that. I do. But this could only make us stronger together Em.'' Paige said.

''Paige, someone tried to kill you because of me!'' Emily began. ''The same person I kissed, and then there's this A. You know. I don't wanna put you in the middle of all this.. I..'' she hesitated for a moment. ''I don't want you to end up like Maya.'' she said then. ''I can't do this anymore.''

Those words shocked Paige. She had expected Emily to tell her everything would be alright, that they would be fine, but not this. She tried to push back all the tears, with no such luck. ''So.. you're breaking up with.. with me?''

''I have to.'' Emily said with a shaky voice.

Paige stood up. She would not let Emily break up with her because she has to. ''I'm not letting you break up with me Emily. I told you we can go through this together, and we will.'' she placed her hand on Emily's cheeck and looked into Emily's watery eyes. ''Please.'' she begged.

Then she kissed her. She had missed being so close to Emily. She deepend the kiss with a little force. She wasn't sure if this could change Emily's mind, or if this would be the last kiss they would ever share together.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter song:** Crawl - Superchick

**A/N:** Yay second chapter :3 Hope you like it. Thank you for the reviews so far, as you might know, I really like feedback (but hey who doesn't), atleast then I know if people like what I write or not! :) Anyways, I'm thinking of maybe making the next chapter out of Emily's point of view, but I'm not sure yet.

—

Emily pulled back a couple of moments later, and sighed. ''I meant what I said Em. We'll figure it out somehow, if you want to, you know.'' Paige said.

''Paige, I said that I have to, not because I want to. I wanna be with you, you know that right?'' Emily said hearing the insecurity in Paige's voice.

''I know that.'' Paige retorted nervously. She knew where the conversation was going to, and she hated it. She didn't wanna lose Emily again. It had hurt not being with Emily, even though it had seemed that Emily had moved on to Samara already, but she knew she had to let go of her because she didn't want to hold back Emily, just because she wasn't ready to come out yet. Eventually she had moved on, but Emily was always in the back of her mind, and after a while she knew that she had to be honest with herself and with her parents, that she was gay. It took her months to finally say it out loud. After a couple of fights her parents came to realize that nothing they would say would change her mind of her feeling, so they came to accept it, even her dad. She regretted that she hadn't done it earlier, that she hadn't give up on Emily so easily, but she had, and she couldn't change what happend. And now, after all those months, after finally having Emily as her girlfriend, she was about to lose her again. For the second time.

''I was scared that night. I though I was going to lose you.'' Emily said.

''You didn't. But Em you will, you know, if you decide to let me go now.'' Paige said in all honesty.

''That's unfair. Don't you get it? You could've been dead, because of ME.'' Emily said.

''Stop saying that it's your fault, It's NOT. Just stop pushing me away.'' Paige lashed out. ''You can't just push away people you care about because they might get hurt. You can't, because if you do, you're gonna end up alone Emily.'' She knew she was being unfair, and she saw Emily trying hard not to cry yet again. She closed the distance Emily had put between them and hugged her.

''I'm so sorry.'' Emily whispered.

''Sshhh..It's alright.'' She soothed.

—

An hour later they were still lying on Emily's bed. They hadn't really talk about that night, but they had kissed and hugged, and for now that was enough.

''Wait what is that?'' Emily asked as she tried to listen to the ringing sound more closely. ''Is that your phone?''

''Shit, that's probably my mom. I promised her I would call her every two hours.'' She sighed and declined the call.

''So, shouldn't you pick up then?'' Emily asked.

''I should, but I will later.'' Paige said. ''It's annoying you know. I mean, ofcourse I can't blame them for being so concerned, but they ask me how I am or if I need something all the time, and I'm sure if I told them I'm with you right now that they would freak out.''

''They blame me.'' Emily noted. She knew that Paige's parents never liked her, especially her father. He had showed up once and claimed that Coach Fulton had gave her a special treatment because she of the fact she was gay, in front of the whole school. She had met Paige's mother once, at first she was nice, but the way she looked at her gave away that it was all pretended.

Paige sighed. ''It doesn't matter. It's not your fault.''

Emily nodded. ''My mom was like that too for a couple of days, then I told her I'm fine and that I wanted her to stop worrying, so she did. Maybe you should just tell them that. It's not just nothing what happend to you that night. ''

''I know, but I don't know Em, you know that my folks are diffrent than yours.'' Paige sighed. She wasn't even sure when she could go back to school again, or if. She had heard her parents talking about home schooling, and even though she had told them that wasn't needed, and she didn't want to, she wasn't so sure if they would listen to her. ''Anyways, what time is it?'' Paige asked.

''It's almost seven. Why?'' Emily answered why she faced Paige. ''You're going already?''

''Yeah, I have to, my parents are gonna get back soon.'' Paige said.

Emily sighed. ''I understand, it's just that I missed being so close to you. Can we meet again tomorrow?'' Emily asked when Paige stood up.

''I missed this too. And yes we can.'' Paige smiled when she kissed Emily's forehead.

When Paige drove her way to home she saw that her dad's car was already there. She sighed, they were early, which meant she had some explaining to do.

''You're early.'' She said to her mom while she walked to the dining room where her mom was already making supper.

''Your dad got a call from work that he had something important to handle. Paul picked him up. He will be back about an hour or so.'' Her mom said. ''Where were you Paige. I called you three times, and I was worried.''

''Don't be mom, I'm fine. And ehm, I was..'' she hesitated for a moment thinking that maybe lying would be the better option. ''With Emily.'' she then finally said.

She knew she would shock her mom with that answer, her parents hadn't say her name is days. It had shocked her mom. ''We will discuss that later.'' She then said.

Paige sighed and excused herself to her room where she sat down on her bed. She learned by now that something being discussed wasn't a good thing, especially with her dad. Whenever her parents had a opinion discussion her mom always ended up saying what her dad thought was right, as if she was scared to voice her own opinion, he had that big of a influence on her. Sometimes Paige felt bad for her mom, but then she reminded herself that she's is the one who should stick up for herself.

She heard a knock on her door. ''Come in.'' She said, it was her dad.

''I think we need a talk Paige.'' He said with his serious tone, the tone Paige knew all too good. ''Mom told me you were with Emily today. Wanna explain that?'' He continued.

''There's nothing to explain dad.'' She said. She knew that answer wouldn't satisfies her dad.

''We had this talk already, I thought you understood us. We don't want you to see Emilly anymore.'' After that night her parents had said that they didn't want her to see Emily anymore, she hadn't said anything back then, she was tired and all she really wanted was to sleep.

''No. I don't understand. How many times do I have to say that it's not Emily's fault!'' She lashed out. She was tired of this. Tired of her parents. ''You've never liked her anyways dad.'' She knew that that night was only just an excuse for her parents to openly show their dislike towards Emily. Her parents had never really liked the girl, they hadn't even tried to get to know her when she finally came out and finally introduced Emily as her girlfriend. Her mom had tried, but her dad hadn't at all. First she thought that maybe her being gay had to still sink in, but when she overheard her parents talking about Emily she knew that that wasn't the case. But they had never said it out loud, and they hadn't said anything about it, so she didn't really care, as long as she was with Emily.

''Don't talk to me like that, young lady.'' He said. ''This is why I don't want you to spend time with her anymore. She has changed you.''

''Yes she has dad. It's because of her that I cannot only be honest with everyone else, but also myself.'' It had changed her, she constantly worried about what other people thought of her, or would, but she didn't anymore. This is who she is, and if people didn't like it, that's their problem. ''I'm done with you and mom thinking what's best for me, you've always did that. I'm done with you trying to control my life, because you can't.'' She pushed. She finally said the things she had always wanted to say but was always scared of. She always thought that her dad just wanted the best for her, but if he really wanted the best for her, he would see that she has never been so happy in her life.

''It's late Paige, go to sleep. and we will talk about this later.'' He said. She knew that was she had just said was true and that he knew it, but like always, he wouldn't make it so easy for her. ''We don't want you to see Emily anymore, so you don't, otherwise there will be consequences.''

She knew she had pushed enough and shouldn't any further, so she lied down and waited for her dad to leave her room. She felt the tears already in her eyes. Why couldn't her parents just see that she didn't want to go through this alone, that she needed Emily. Something what had changed over the couple of months too. She always thought that she was better off alone, that she didn't need anyone to rely on. She was a loner, always doing things on her own. She came off that she didn't mind, but she knew deep down that she did, she did want someone to talk to, to count on. But whenever someone tried, she always ended up pushing them away. Then Emily came into her life.

She heard the beeping sound of her phone and picked it up.

**I can't wait to see you tomorrow :) x **

She sighed, she knew for now the best thing to do is not to push anything further with her parents.

**Afraid have to cancel that, parents trouble. I'm sorry Em. x**

She hated it. Why couldn't things go right for once in her life. All her life she felt like she was not good enough, not only for for parents, but for all the people around her. And if it wasn't her dad being dissapointed in her, it was always something else trying to screw up her life. There was a point in her life that everything was too much. She had done things she wasn't proud of. But she hadn't hurt herself for a while now, and most of the scars had dissapear over the time, but there were still scars. Scars that reminded her off her past. But the same scars that also reminded herself that she had overcome that habit, and that it had made her stronger in the end. She promised herself she would never do such thing ever again, and she had promised Emily. And she would never break that promise. Not only did it only take pain away for just a while, which was never enough, she knew that it wasn't worth it anymore.

**I understand, another time then. :( xx**

She wasn't sure about another time right now, trusting her father that there will most certainly be consequences. But she wouldn't let her parents win, she would fight back, whatever it is going to take. She is not going to lose Emily, not again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter song: **Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

**A/N: **When I read back the last two chapters I found some spelling mistakes, I'm sorry about that, but as you might know English isn't my native language, so sometimes It's kind of hard to see those mistakes. Anyways, I really hope you like chapter three, from Emily's point of view as promised.

**—**

Emily sighed as she tossed her phone away. She wanted to see Paige so badly tomorrow, she had missed the girl. As much as she tried to push away the girl, to just let go of her, Paige was right. And she didn't wanna lose her. Even though everything was alright between them, she wasn't so sure if that would stay that way anymore. She knew how Paige's parents were like, and they definitly would make it hard on her, on them. And with Paige still gone from school and swim practice there weren't many places they could meet.

How could everything be so screwed up, she thought. Finally she had given in to all those feelings. She knew how she felt about Paige, but for a while she kept fighting them back, because she thought that it wasn't fair towards Maya. And even though she hadn't seen Paige for a while, didn't mean she had stopped thinking about her once in a while. When Paige was afraid to come out yet, she knew the right thing to do was to just let go of her, because she knew that Paige needed the time alone to think about herself, her feelings, she didn't want to push her into things she wasn't ready for yet. And Paige had come out, she had changed, a lot. But it seemed that whenever she was happy something or someone came along and destroyed it.

She picked up her phone again and read the message Hanna had wrote just a hour a go. If she was free next friday and could come to see Caleb with her. She really wanted to see both Hanna and Caleb. The only time she really saw her friends, was on school. After school she was either busy with homework or swim practice. They all were, busy. Things really had changed after that night. Neither of them got any text messages from A. Yet.

—

That Friday Emily was up early. All she really wanted to do now was to just go for a swim. Diving through the water alone. There was something about the silence, when she was out there alone, she found confortable. She had a lot to think about lately, she hadn't seen or talk to Paige since last week. She tried calling her a thousend times, but it seemed that Paige's phone was off, which was strange because Paige phone is always on. And even though she spend all day swimming and all night styding, her only focus was only really on Paige. She was worried, but couldn't do anything about it. She hated that feeling.

As she dressed up comfortably and ate a quick breakfast she drove her way to Hanna's house. She was kind of excited to see Caleb after a long time again. He wasn't fully recovered yet, but he was fine. It had hurt her seeing Caleb getting shot by Nate just before he died, and then the look on Hanna's face.

''Hey there.'' Hanna greeted as she hugged Emily. ''I though maybe we could first go to Caleb and then go to the Brew later?''

''Yeah, sure.'' Emily said.

Hanna shot her a short look, there was something about Emily's words that made her certain that something was wrong, but she would ask Emily later.

As Emily drove them to Caleb's house, Hanna was her usual self, talking about the latest gossips, fashion trends and all that.

''Have you received a text from A already?'' She asked at some point.

''No. I mean, not yet.'' Emily replied. But just because she hadn't received a text yet, didn't mean she wouldn't jump everything her phone beeped. ''Have you?''

''Nope. Not yet.'' Hanna said.

—

Later that day Emily ordered two coffee's at The Brew.

''So what's on your mind?'' Hanna asked as Emily handed her the coffee and sat down next to her.

''Nothing, really.'' Emily said. It wasn't that she didn't wanted to tell Hanna, but there was so much on her mind, that she honestly didn't know where to start. Besides that, she didn't really wanna bother Hanna with all her problems, Caleb was still not his old self, and she knew Hanna had a lot on her mind herself.

''Hey, I saw something was up the minute you walked in. Tell me.'' Hanna said.

Emily sighed, Hanna knew her all too well. ''It's just that, I haven't seen Paige for a while, because of her parents, who still blame me for all this. Can't blame them though but..''

''No, No. Em.'' Hanna interrupted. ''None of this is your fault. It's Nate, or Lydon or whatever his name was, fault. You were still sad about Maya's dead, and then there he was, Maya's cousin. You couldn't know that he would turn out to be a crazy stalker.''

''But it is. You know, he thought he made a chance with me, because I kissed him back. It _is_ all my fault.'' Emily said as she took a deep breath to stop herself from crying. She lost track of counting all the times she fought hard to keep the tears from coming. Most of the time she just gave in, and let them keep coming and coming. Mostly at night, where all the memories would come back one by one. Not only from that night, but all the memories. All the things that had happend over the past couple of months. She tried so hard to be the strong one, but in reality she was, just as A one told her, the weak one.

Hanna took a sip from her coffee. Keeping herself from making a judgmental comment, Emily thought. She couldn't blame the girl. At that very moment it didn't felt wrong to kiss Nate, maybe she had just needed it, something close to Maya. But it didn't made her question her feelings for Paige, or for girls in general. It was a kiss, and it felt right, but nothing more than that.

''Oh that's why I had to tell him that you're gay, the other day. He kept like talking about you.'' Hanna said instead. ''Have you talked about this with Paige already?''

''Yes, she knows about the kiss, and I told her that it didn't change my feelings for her. I mean, It didn't change my feelings.'' Emily said.

''But have you talked about that night?'' Hanna asked.

''Not really, but, I don't think we ever really get the chance.'' Emily replied.

Hanna stood up. ''I have an idea.''

''What do you mean?'' Emily asked confused.

''I'm not letting you lose her too Em, I know you love her, plus I still owe you both.'' Hanna said.

''No wait, you don't owe me anything, Hanna.'' Emily said as she stood up herself.

''Well, I kind of really do. On the relationship area. Come on, I thought Paige was A too, an that was unfair. Seriously, don't worry Em, I got this. '' Hanna said.

—

Two hours later Emily heard a knock on her door.

''That took long. What did you do?'' Emily asked as she opened the door for Hanna.

''Well, I spoke to Paige..'' Hanna began as she sat down on Emily's bed. ''Tomorrow you two will meet at wright's playground.''

''Wait, but how? I mean, what about her parents.'' Emily asked.

''I just told them that I was that girl from your swim team. Ehm, Pru it was. Well, I just asked them if Paige and I could go swimming tomorrow.'' Hanna said with a proud smile. ''They believed it right away.''

Even though Emily found it weird how easy that was for Hanna, she didn't care, atleast she finally got the chance to see Paige again. ''Thank you Han.'' Emily smiled.

—

The next day Emily woke up with a smile. She was positive that this could all work out. If Paige's parents finally let her leave the house alone, maybe they could try to meet up more, and try to get through this. Her parents would have to accept their relationship at some point, right.

She decided to take her bike instead of taking her car. She knew she was early but given wright's playground was still a long ride, she would be there just in time. The last time she was there was at Camp Mona, what now seemed as ages ago. She was glad that they would meet up in the morning instead of night though, the place still gave her the creeps.

When she finally arrived Paige was already on the swings busy with her phone while listing to music loudly. Emily smiled but felt also a sad feeling in her stomach. It was the band Paige had wanted her to take with on a date, but she had felt dissapointed back then, that Paige wanted to drag some boy along with them, so people wouldn't think it was a date, so in the end they both hadn't gone.

''Hey.'' Paige said softly as she looked up. ''You came here by bike huh. I'm impressed Fields.'' She smirked.

Emily raised an eyebrow. ''Wow, that really makes it sound like I'm lazy.'' Emily smiled as she sat down on the swings next to Paige. ''I'm glad we finally could meet.''

''Yeah, thanks to Hanna. Seriously I still have no idea how she convinced my parents so fast. I'm trying that my whole life. And still trying. '' Paige joked as she slipped her phone in her pocket.

''I called you a thousend times this week.''

''I'm sorry but my father took my phone and all. He gave it back to me this morning so I could call when I will come back at home. I just saw all the missed calls and text messages.'' Paige explained.

Emily kind of figured that out, but she just wanted to make sure Paige wasn't ignoring her all that time. Which she knew was a ridiculous thought.

''It kind of feels like we're back at the start again. Hiding in the middle of nowhere, not to be seen together. I hate it.'' Paige sighed.

Emily nodded in silence as she took Paige's hand. ''But this time, this is not gonna break us apart.''

Paige sat a little bit straigher, while she focussed on the ground. She wasn't ready to face Emily yet. She didn't doubt Emily, but she really wanted to make sure. ''Emily, I know this is kind of imposible, trying to hide this relationship for my parents. For people who might see and tell. But I'm willing to do all this, but are you? I don't doubt you, I really don't. But if you rather be with someone you can be seen with, I understand that, and..'' Paige began.

''I don't want to be with someone other than you Paige. Look, I know this is going to be hard, but we've been through a lot already, and I know that it's worth it. You are worth it. And eventually we have to face your parents, and we will.'' She said as she stood up and stood infront of Paige.. ''I'm not giving up on you.'' She took her hand and gently squeezed it. ''So, in the mean time, we will try to meet places like this and make it work.''

''Our dirty little secret huh?'' Paige smirked.

Emily laughed. ''Yeah.'' she said while she sat down on Paige's lap.

Paige opened her mouth to say something but Emily's soft lips were already on hers. After some soft kisses Paige slides her tongue over Emily's bottom lip asking for acces, while pulling her closer.

They break apart the intensive kisses after a couple of minutes, both breathless. ''Wow.'' Emily smiled and kissed Paige's forhead.

A beeping tone from Emily's phone brought them back to reality again. Emily sighed, not wanting to ruin their moment.

''What's wrong Em?'' Paige asked, when she saw Emily's shocked expression.

Emily turned her phone so Paige could read what the text said.

**Oh oh, you know I'm always watching. Secrets are never safe with me. - A **


End file.
